Random Thoughts of Wierdness

I was reading someone elses' post about being a chubby vegan.  She was writing about the fact that people will see her carrying a green smoothie and thinking to themselves, "that girl will try anything!", meaning she will try any kind of crazy diet to lose weight.  She was appalled at the fat shaming that is done by the vegan community to try to convince people to stop eating animal based food.  Here's the link to the article I read.
About a year ago, I wrote something in my journal about the way people watch fat people at restaurants.  I have observed over the years when I was much bigger that people do watch what I'm doing at restaurants, especially at buffet establishments.  I can't say that I know what they are thinking, but I can say from the looks on their faces I can guess, because I found myself thinking the same things when I watched my even-bigger family members at the same restaurant.

"How many plates is that, four?  Has she gone up four times already?"
"Notice she doesn't go anywhere near the salad bar?"
"Honey, put down the Mac and Cheese and step away from the steam tray!"
"No wonder she's all by herself at a booth, she needs the room for all that food!"
"DAYUMN!"

Now, I was pretty convinced I didn't eat nearly as much as the "fat" people in my family.  I might have gone up twice at the buffet and then gotten dessert, but I rarely went up for four plates full of food.  I didn't have to excuse myself to the restroom so I could throw up and then come eat more food. (True - two of my aunts had gastric bypass and did exactly this on Mother's Day a few years back when we all went to a buffet place with my Mom and Grandma.  That Buffet place was NOT my idea.)

Then one day I mentioned something at work about food.  One of my co-workers said, "You are eating all the time. You eat candy and drink full-sugar soda all the time. ALL THE TIME!" Which was, of course, an exaggeration because I didn't drink soda all the time, I drank mostly coffee and tea and once in a while would splurge on a full sugar soda made with cane sugar.  It just happened to be the few times she had lunch with me.  The candy thing may have been true, because some delightful person had placed a couple of candy dishes in key locations where everyone in the office has to pass by them or spend time next to them and what's the harm in a couple of chocolate kisses?

So I was forced to examine my own habits and while she really was exaggerating about my doing it ALL the time (I am Ms. Literal) I was frequently eating and drinking lots of things not exactly good for my waistline or blood sugar.   The other thing this made me aware of is that while I am watching how other people eat (and judging them in my head), other people are watching ME eat (and judging me in their heads).  That's not a pleasant realization.  In fact, it was kind of frightening.  It got to the point where I was convinced people were watching me eat when I was by myself and criticizing me in their heads.

Even if I ate "sensibly", I was convinced people were commenting on it in their heads, "Oh, really?  who do you think you're fooling?  You're probably going to stop at a drive thru and order a sack of cheeseburgers after you leave here!"

And yes, I know how crazy and creepy that sounds.

In reality, I'm not that important.  No one except me and the people I give the information to is keeping tabs on what I eat.  No one is looking at what is on my plate except me, maybe my dinner partner, and the people who prepared the food or carried it out to me.  I can tell you I've fallen a bit off the diet in the last 6 weeks, and I can tell you why it's happened. (I forgot to take my supplements and my body started reminding me that I need to eat more things with B vitamins and fiber in them.)  I haven't "given up" when I've had, say, a piece of bread at one meal.  I don't say "Oh, well, the whole day is shot, guess I'll have three slices of cheesecake!"  I go back to square one as if I hadn't had the piece of bread, and I know it will take some time to work out of my system and be back on track, but I do NOT let it ruin my day or my program.  I am planning on going back for a Booster in June, right after I come back from vacation.  Because I'm not at my goal yet.

Fat Girls (and Guys) aren't the only people who are judged by what they are eating.  Have you ever seen a skinny person eating a hugely fattening item and thought to yourself, "Eat two, you need it!"  Have you ever secretly urged a stick-thin person to have a cookie?  Have you ever wanted to smack a thin person who pinches a little roll on their stomach and bitterly complains about how fat she is in her size 8 pants?

Let's stop this madness.  Let's just enjoy being who we are and let other people enjoy being who they are and let's just stop focusing on the size issue and start focusing on the HEALTH of the people.  The people who, regardless of their size, are out their riding bikes and roller skating and dancing and enjoying the heck out of their time on this planet.

Back to Normal

What is Normal, and how do I know I'm back to it?
Last weekend my husband and I flew down to North Carolina to visit his folks for Easter.  We haven't seen them in 4 years, and I haven't flown in almost 5.  The last time I flew I almost needed the belt extender on my seat belt because it was REALLY tight.  I flew to and from Atlanta cursing the small seats, the narrow aisle, and the general lack of room in the airplane's lavatory.
This time I was prepared.  I had my jacket off before I boarded the plane, I wore loafers to make the security check-point mess go faster, and I had three packets of tissues because I was starting my annual spring-cleaning of my sinus cavities by having everything run right the hell out my nose for three days. (stupid damn allergies)
I requested the window seat because I like to watch take off, and as I stowed my jacket and purse, sat down and put on my seat belt, a funny thing happened.  I got out my Nook, started to read a book, and it struck me that I was comfortable in my seat.  Well, as comfortable as any airline seat not in First Class gets.  I looked down at the belt, which I had snugged against my hips as I was directed, and realized there was easily 6 inches of belt sticking out from the buckle.  In all the times I've flown in the last 25 years, that hasn't happened at all.  Not only was there belt sticking out of the buckle, I wasn't bumping my husband out of HIS seat next to me.  My fanny actually fit in the seat!
Let that sink in for a moment.
If you're a large person, there are things you start to dread.  Movie theater seats.  Airplanes.  Public restrooms.  Waiting room chairs with arms.  Turnstiles. The chair in the lab when they draw blood for tests.  Wheelchairs.  Touring old houses with narrow stairwells.  You start assessing doorways and chairs, you start looking for ramps instead of stairs, and you almost always use the handicapped stall if it's available; and if it's not, you will wait for it to become available. You get adept at turning sideways and standing on tip-toe. You slowly learn that you just don't fit in this world, and you become hampered in your movements.  I'm not saying it's right or wrong, I'm just saying that it exists.
I was happy the day I was able to put my wedding ring back on.  I was excited the week I realized I had finally dropped out of double-digit sized underwear.  I was ecstatic to realize I was down to the same size clothing I had worn as a senior in high school. I was, and am, still a big woman. I'm just not nearly as big as I used to be.
I had to force myself to stop using the handicap stalls in the restrooms.  I used the toilet on the airplane.  It was still very small, but it wasn't uncomfortably so.  I could easily turn around in it.  I walked face-on down the aisle of the airplane.  I didn't have to turn sideways to fit.
So, what does all that have to do with being back to normal?
If Normal is what is OUTSIDE my head, then I'm back to normal.  I can shop in a regular clothing store, I can buy clothing off the rack, I can tell my husband to buy a pack of underwear in a certain size and they will fit me.  I don't have to guess if I will be able to fit in the bathroom, or be able to get through a doorway or aisle.  I don't have to look for the special seats in the movie theater that are usually reserved for someone who is sitting with a wheelchair person.
It took a couple of months to get what was INSIDE my head to match what was OUTSIDE.  I was still thinking like a FAT person; limiting my choices and basing my decisions on what my body had dictated I could and couldn't do for the last 25 years.

What's for dinner?

This used to be a simple question to answer.
The eating program I am following right now permits me to eat as much meat as I want, only as much vegetables as I have meat, and a bit of cheese for flavoring.  To a lot of people that sounds pretty restrictive, and in some ways it is.  Anything fried is right out, with the exception of chicken wings, because most fried things are either breaded or a starch.  Baking takes attention, because I can't use breading on anything, so I do a lot of things with sauces.  Casseroles are odd without their starch components.  There aren't a lot of "convenience" foods available that don't include some form of breading, so I don't have a lot of ready to cook items in the freezer.
See what's happening here?  I'm being forced to cook mostly fresh foods.  I'm being manipulated into planning my meals.  I'm either going to go out to eat WAY more than I should, or I'm going to exercise my brain and figure out how to get a decent meal at home in under 30 minutes that doesn't involve the word BURGER.
It's not a complaint, exactly.  It's a realization that I've spent far too much of my life relying on those prepackaged foods, those boxes and cans and plastic bags that seem to live forever in my pantry and freezer.
I posted a while back about how much crap/food I removed from the pantry when I did my big purge back in August.  I used to think I had about 2 or 3 months worth of "food" in the house, when all I really had was a metric ton of sugar and starch.  Now I look in the half-empty pantry, and then in my freezer, and realize as long as I can figure out what to do with cans of tomato sauce and chicken breasts or tilapia, I can eat for a couple of months.  Well, I will have to thaw out a turkey and a chicken at some point, but the real point is there IS food in the house.  It just takes planning to make it a meal.
What's for dinner tonight?  I'm trying a Beef "Enchilada" casserole, substituting whole kernel corn for the corn tortillas, and layering it a bit like Shepherd's pie.  (I am allowed to eat corn, but only on the cob or taken off the cob.)  I'm not sure how this is going to come out, but if it works I'll post it.  I know the sauce has some flour in it (after all, I made it) but there are carbs and sugars in other sauces and it would have been the same if I'd bought a can of it, except the can would have been full of other things I don't want.
(After Dinner Note: The casserole was tasty, but there was too much sauce.  It came out more like a baked chili.  Eric and I both agree it needed a starch component, such as rice or pasta, to really fill it out.  Less sauce next time.)

8 months later...

Ok, so I'm not so good at daily, or even weekly updating.  Here's what you missed:
I've been on the eating program for over 8 months now.  I've dropped from a size 26 to a size 16/18.  I've lost 12 inches (that's right, an entire FOOT) from around my waist, bringing me down to about 39/40 inches around the waist.
No, I don't have a more recent photo.  I'll remedy that soon.
The holidays were tough.  I usually spend November and December in the kitchen, baking cookies and making candy to give to people for presents.  This year, I knit 17 hats.  You read correctly, I knitted hats.  I made Cunning Hats for my Sci Fi geek friends and family, I made warm snuggly hats for folks, and I made 1 Smurfy hat for my brother Victor.  It kept my hands busy and kept me from being in the kitchen and I gave people lovely warm things that said "I think of you and want you to be warm."  With the way this winter turned out, it was probably a great thing that I made these hats.  I also made some scarves, some fingerless mitts, and a couple of pairs of socks.
There are many things I have noticed in the last 8 months as I changed my eating habits and thinking about food.

1. I eat almost no fried food at all.  Since I don't eat breaded foods, the only fried foods I have are buffalo wings and mahogany wings (from the local Chinese restaurant.)
2. I eat very little mayonnaise.  If it's not in a salad, I generally don't eat it.
3. I tend to find one or two things at a restaurant and only ever order those when I'm there.  It's just easier to decide before we go what I'm in the mood to eat.  
4. Surprisingly, Cracker Barrel has the most choice of meals for me.
5. Not surprisingly, I don't eat at a lot of Italian places.
6. Pepperoni slices and cottage cheese make a pretty good breakfast.
7. Reuben omelets are awesome!
8. Most restaurants are really good about accommodating your preferences.  Asking for burgers without the bun isn't blinked at most places.  We won't talk about Denny's.
9. I find fish proteins do not stay long with me. That is, I eat fish and about two hours later I'm hungry again.  Beef, pork and chicken tend to have the most staying power, so I eat less often when I have these.
10. Berry-flavored breath strips taste like mentholated cough syrup.  YUCK!
11. I don't have much patience for people who whine about their weight while eating cheesecake for breakfast every day for two weeks.  Especially skinny women who do that.
12. I almost never stop at a drive-thru for food.  I get unsweetened ice tea, but it's virtually impossible to get something to eat on the run that I can eat while driving.  So my fast food consumption is virtually non-existent.
13. I don't enjoy people pushing food on me.  I'll eat my damn vegetables if I want to.  If I am not in the mood for them, BACK OFF!  And no, goddammit, I don't want the damn cookies!  BACK OFF!
14. "Liquid egg substitute" is disgusting.  Eat real eggs.
15. Oh, butter.  How I miss you.  I do use butter in cooking, but I don't actually eat as much as I used to because with the exception of vegetables and Corn on the Cob, my Butter Delivery Vehicles are quite limited.  

So, if you look at what I just wrote, you see there are a lot of little habits that just changed as I got used to my new way of eating.  No fast food, no drive-thru snacking, no fried foods, very little in the way of extra added fats.  I hadn't even realized just how often I was eating during the day (about every 90 minutes) or how much money I was spending on it (about $100 a week for snacks, breakfast and lunches from the drive thru.)

Taken in a list, it's a lot.  Coming to the realization that these things just STOPPED as I learned for myself what my limits were?  That was worth the time it took.