The Day Before

Tomorrow I have my first session of hypnotherapy for weight loss.  This is not a decision I came to lightly, nor is it going to be easy for me.  I'm putting my trust in someone I have never met, and I'm trusting she's not going to totally screw with my head and make me even more messed up than I am now.
A year ago a local radio show host (Mike Baxendale from the Bax and O'Brien show on Rock 102) went to the same hypnosis center.  I've met Bax in person a couple of times, once about 5 years ago and once about a year ago.  He's a year younger than me, and we probably both had the same BMI at the time.  He's funny, he's married and has three lovely daughters, and he had some health problems that probably were related to his weight.  I've been listening to the show for the entire time he's been on it, and I like the dynamic between him and John O'Brien. 
One of the things I remember very clearly is Bax's love of food.  Another thing we have in common.  So I was very suprised one day on my drive to work on hearing him turn down some cookies that the wife of the guest on the show had baked for them.  Bax never turns down cookies.  He then mentioned he had gone to a hypnosis center and was following the diet and was no longer eating sweets. I thought to myself, "yeah, that's gonna last.  I give it a month, maybe two."
That was almost a year ago.
I became a Facebook friend of Bax's and I started checking out his pictures.  I started seeing how much thinner and healthier he was looking.  I listened as he mentioned he'd lost 8 inches around his waist.  He wasn't complaining about not eating sweets, he merely made observations that he didn't eat them.  He didn't sound unhappy or cranky about his changed eating habits. He has sleep apnea, and he had to dial his machine down to accomodate his changed breathing patterns while he sleeps.
I thought, "Holy Cow!  It really does work! I have got to look into this."
I called in January and I got put on a waiting list.  The cynical part of me says the waiting list is bull, it's a gimmick to get you to really buy into it before you get there, and then they are gonna sock you for a huge amount of money, which you will pay because you have waited SO LONG to get your appointment.  The hopeful part of me says "shut the hell up, you!  Of course there's a waiting list, because it WORKS!"  I was told the basics; there will be three sessions, the sessions are 3 to 4 hours long, we do them at certain times of the day.  I said I would need to do evenings, and that I can't do Tuesday nights (that's when my guitar lesson is).  They took the information and said they would call.
I got my call at the end of June, and set up the appointments for mid-July.  I have arranged my life around these three appointments. 
The money doesn't bother me, because I spent 4 times the money at another weight loss program,  I bought a lot of cookbooks and branded snacks and I lost nothing but money.  I also know that this money is far less than the cost of surgery, recovery time, lost work, and possible medical issues arising from surgery.
What I hope to do is come away with a healthy idea of what food really is.  It's fuel.  It's not love.  It's not self-esteem, the food doesn't care about me, and it never will.  Sugar will not heal a broken heart.  Ice cream will not bring back my lost puppy.  Cookies can't cure whatever I have, fill any void other than space in my stomach and fat cells on my body.
I know this in my head.  I need to feel it in my heart.
I've met with a lot of encouragement.  I was afraid to mention hypnosis to some people, afraid they would laugh and say "Yeah, right, you're just throwing away more money and you are NEVER going to lose weight."
I'm even more afraid they would be correct.
I don't want to "lose weight".  I want to be healthier.  I want to be in better shape.  I want to be able to bend over and tie my shoes without having to spread my knees apart to accomodate my belly.  I want to buy a size LARGE dress again.  I want to wear high heels without my toes going numb.  I want to wave my arms and then stop and not have my bat wings keep waving.  I want to go up and down stairs without worrying about my knees giving out.  I want to sleep better and I want to not feel silly buying sexy clothing.  I want to get off my blood pressure, diabetes, and cholesterol medications.
In short, I choose to live.