"Food"

I used to be proud of the fact that I had about 2 months worth of "food" in my house.  My pantry was full to bursting with "food". 
Now I've started cleaning up the pantry and shelves from the "food" I am no longer eating, and I found some pretty amazing things.
I had THREE bags of walnuts, ready to make into banana and pumpkin breads.  I had two packages of dates, and no less than FOUR packages of chocolate chips.  I had 2 grocery bags full of assorted cake, cookie and brownie mixes.  I had several different instant pudding mixes.  I had 6 pounds of confectioner's sugar and 4 pounds of brown sugar.
I had a couple of bags of dried cherries, Craisins, raisins, currants, plums, and two packages of dried ginger.
I found the chocolate covered espresso beans.
I had apricot jelly, applesauce, and other jams.  All unopened.
I was asked to leave the graham crackers for my husband.  It's a half-package, and I don't eat them like he does, so I acquiesced. 

What does all this hoarding mean?

Well, it means I had a worse sugar problem than I had realized.  I had NO clue I had that much "food" in the pantry.  There are two shelves that are almost completely BARE.

I have come to realize I have spent a lot of my life living with the idea that there will never be "enough" in my life.  Probably from growing up with grandparents who lived through the Great Depression, some of it from a Father who was one of 12 kids (and one of the youngest at that) who also grew up poor.  Some of it from a Mother who was the daughter of the Depression Era grandparents, and who was very good about making sure we had enough to eat.  We didn't get a lot of sweets, and when we did, it was a special occasion, or someone was trying to say "I love you."

So I, with my low self-esteem, started substituting Sugar when what I really needed was Love.  Not the kind of Love that comes from outside, but the kind one has within for oneself.  I didn't love myself, so I tried to show myself I loved myself by making and eating sugary snacks.

(and right now a bunch of folks are shaking their heads and saying "Huh?")

I never thought of myself as a pretty girl after about age 11.  That's when I started puberty.  Once I started to develop, I got a lot of messages that told me it was "dangerous" to be a pretty girl.  I could be molested or raped for being "pretty".  Add that to the hormonal stew most of us are in around that time of our lives, and this really doesn't do good things for the self-image and self esteem.

I used to be athletic.  I used to ride my bike all over town, to school, to the library, to visit my friends, to go to the park and play.  I used to roller skate all over town.  I walked places if I didn't have a ride and the weather was nice.  I did all those things alone, or with a friend, or with my sister.  Mostly I did them by myself.

And then I started hearing about how girls on their own could get kidnapped, molested, raped, or killed.

So I got scared.  Boys were starting to notice me.  Men were starting to notice me.  I needed to comfort myself and let myself know I was ok and I wasn't going to be hurt.

Thus a sugar addict was born. I started eating more sugars, and I stopped doing most of the things I had enjoyed doing.

It has taken my husband 13 years of telling me every single day that I am beautiful for me to believe him.  13 years to believe him and not say in my head "Well, I have beautiful hair, and beautiful eyes, and a beautiful singing voice, but the rest is crap."  I had to accept the whole package.  I had to finally love myself for who I am.

So now I'm doing the hypnosis program, and doing pretty well.  I'm finding it's ok to let go of the "food", because it's not really "food" in the first place, it's sugar.  It's not Love, or Self-Esteem, it's sugar.  I have had enough "food".  Now I am filling up on real love.  I'm taking care of myself.  I'm taking guitar lessons and belly dance classes.  I'm creating more with fabric and jewelry and yarn and less with "food".